Goodnight US

In the once great land
there was a television
And a red-state map
And a picture of the world gone to crap.
And there were two little queers sitting on the couch
And a whole lot of despair and pulling out hair
And a mean little louse soon in the White House .
And a box of tissues
And a soon-to-be lush
And an inner dread now whispering, “Hush.”
Good night, land. Good night, map.
Good night, world gone to crap.
Good night, rights and all of that.
Good night, queers. Good night, couch.
Good night, despair. Good night, hair.
Good night, little louse. Good night, White House.
Good night, tissues. Good night, issues.
Good night, nobody. Good night, lush.
Good night to the inner dread whispering, “Hush.”
Good night, stars. Good night, air.
Good night, progress everywhere.”

Eight months on T

As of yesterday, I’ve been on testosterone for eight months.  My belly is getting very fuzzy.  Of course that doesn’t show up in the pictures. I have to shave my face more frequently, and my stubble prickles my neck at night when I’m falling asleep.  Aside from a little more hair, the changes I see from month-to-month now are so minute they don’t seem worth mentioning. But they must make a cumulative difference; almost everyone called me sir this month, if they chose to address me.  screen-shot-2016-10-13-at-8-18-48-am

I’ve been bad about working out now that I don’t have easy access to a gym.  I have a goal to be in decent shape before my surgery.  I will be off T for three weeks around the surgery and want to minimize the dysphoria from that. I won’t be able to work out for eight weeks following surgery and don’t want to start off excessively soft. I also want to be able to look at myself post-surgery and see satisfying results.  So looking at my body in my skivvies this month, I feel a bit self-critical.  Pics and video after the jump.

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Happy Coming Out Day!

Coming out is both a personal milestone and a political act. It is not a one-time event, but a lifelong process. There is the first time you come out, often haltingly, to yourself. I’ve done that both as an adolescent and an adult. There are the intimate family comings out, and the big world-wide comings out. There are the awkward daily comings out (choosing pronouns to describe your partner, deciding whether to correct someone’s gendering of you).

And then there are the missed comings out. The family members who passed away, the friends from your youth you suspect would have had their own coming out to share, the bigot on the street you didn’t have the guts to say something to. Finally, there are the ones who choose never to come out – maybe not to themselves, or maybe just not to anyone else.

What I like most, though are the bonding sessions with other queer people over their coming out stories. Feel free to post yours in the comments. Happy Coming Out Day!

Trans moments of bliss

I was getting a hair cut and the barber lathered up my sideburns and the next thing I knew there was a straight razor against my skin.  My heart pounded with bliss, living out a fantasy of masculinity that I didn’t know I harbored.

A Little Off the Top

Dear Boobs,

I have to get something off my chest.  There’s no easy way to say this–but it’s time for us to part ways. At times like this, people like to say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  But, Boobs, I think it’s both of us. You really are great, I can say that now more than I ever could before, but it’s just not going to work out between us.

(Some NSFW pics after jump.)

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Seven months on T

I’ve been so negligent on the blog due to the crushing weight of real-life obligations.  Oh well, I’ll try to do better, I promise!  This month has felt pretty much the same as last month.  Not much new is going on physically except that my screen-shot-2016-09-14-at-6-53-54-ambelly is getting kind of furry.

I have on and off days for being gendered correctly.  I wish I knew what makes the difference. But it’s still steady progress.

This month I’ve had so many med appointments for various reasons, all involving bloodwork.  I’m starting to feel like a pin cushion.  Next week I’ll get a readout on my current T levels.  (Haha, one of the one times large numbers aren’t a bad sign on a blood test.) Last time they were still below the normal male range, so I’d like to see them a bit higher.  I’ll also (hopefully) get a clearance from a hematologist that will let me schedule my top surgery.

Pre-T to seven months photos/video after the jump.

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Six Months on T!!!!!!!!!

Screen Shot 2016-08-12 at 3.37.12 PMA milestone and a tipping point!  This month, as you can see from the ma’am/sir graph, it is far more common to be called sir than ma’am (even on the phone), and with my voice approaching barritone levels, three people have corrected ma’ams to sirs after I spoke.

I keep eating like a horse and gaining weight.  I know I have to do better for the sake of my cholesterol, but the testosterone turns me into an eating machine.  Other than that, the physical changes continue to be gradual.  My legs are hairy, my arms are not.  I haven’t shaved my face this month to get an idea of how my beard is coming in.  As you can see it’s a bit…underwhelming.

Photos and video after the jump.

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Sharing something personal…

Below are two videos: one shot today and one shot three weeks ago.  I just came across the one from three weeks ago today and realized that it showed me at my lowest, at a place where I can end up when I am experiencing a great deal of gender dysphoria.  I am sharing it because it is vulnerable and it shows the difficult aspects of being transgender.  I spend a lot of time on this blog celebrating my transition (a greatly positive experience), but I want this space to be a full and honest reflection of all aspects of transitioning.  Please watch the intro video first for more context.

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5 months on T!

Five months on testosterone.  Time is flying. I have a little random facial stubble and hairy thighs.  I get more sirs than ma’ams (barely).

Screen Shot 2016-07-14 at 4.13.56 PMI can do the deep voices when I read bedtime stories to my daughter, and my voice cracks when I do the high ones.  I have days that I wake up with a lot of dysphoria, but more and more where I go around feeling pretty normal and natural.  I’ve graduated from chin-ups and I can finally now do a pull up.  Every month I hope to get serious about diet and exercise, and then life gets in the way. And this month has been a doozy.

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It’s coming, be patient!

My five-month update is coming soon.  Due to a crazy work situation I’ve been unable to post, but have my pics and video all set to go.  One small preview–this month is the month that I finally got (barely) more sirs than ma’ams.  Check back soon!