Below are two videos: one shot today and one shot three weeks ago. I just came across the one from three weeks ago today and realized that it showed me at my lowest, at a place where I can end up when I am experiencing a great deal of gender dysphoria. I am sharing it because it is vulnerable and it shows the difficult aspects of being transgender. I spend a lot of time on this blog celebrating my transition (a greatly positive experience), but I want this space to be a full and honest reflection of all aspects of transitioning. Please watch the intro video first for more context.
Five months on testosterone. Time is flying. I have a little random facial stubble and hairy thighs. I get more sirs than ma’ams (barely).
I can do the deep voices when I read bedtime stories to my daughter, and my voice cracks when I do the high ones. I have days that I wake up with a lot of dysphoria, but more and more where I go around feeling pretty normal and natural. I’ve graduated from chin-ups and I can finally now do a pull up. Every month I hope to get serious about diet and exercise, and then life gets in the way. And this month has been a doozy.
My five-month update is coming soon. Due to a crazy work situation I’ve been unable to post, but have my pics and video all set to go. One small preview–this month is the month that I finally got (barely) more sirs than ma’ams. Check back soon!
Yesterday I had just finished lunch and was walking back to my office when my ears perked up to a conversation by the two men walking ahead of me. They looked like they were in their late forties or early fifties, dressed business casual, and engaged in a conversation where I heard the word “transgendered” batted around. I tuned in and heard a rant going something like this:
“Well, now they’re talking about this transgendered shit. Who needs to hear that? And in sex ed they’re teaching about being gay and all that. If these were health professionals, they’d focus on talking about all the diseases that come from anal sex and those terrible lifestyle choices.”
A few weeks ago I had a consult for top surgery. The consult itself went pretty much as expected–I learned only one new thing, which is that the reason for losing sensation in the nipples is due to the severing of a nerve in the chest, not necessarily to the detachment of the nipple itself.
In researching options, I chose Dr Bartlett in Brookline, MA for two reasons. First, the results are really nice. They have good contouring, nice, tight nipples, minimal scarring. Second, it’s close to my parents’ home. I’ve not been impressed with the results of the doctors practicing close to DC and wanted to look elsewhere. Doing it near my childhood home means I have a place for R&R and emotional support on hand in addition to my partner. This is really important because we have a small child who will need caretaking and occupation at the same time I will. The office staff was incredibly nice and well informed. Two transmasculine patients wandered through the office while I was waiting. Dr Bartlett himself had very kind and knowledgable bedside manner. I picked up on a little sensitivity around the billing questions–but I had to understand the structure. He described in detail what goes into the procedure and recovery and waited patiently as I reviewed the two notebook pages of handwritten questions I had prepared. I was impressed.