Out of Body

I had a girlfriend in high school who claimed she had had an out of body experience. She claimed that one night, her soul left her body and floated around her house, and visited different rooms while her body remained resting in her bed.

I’m not stupid and I’m not superstitious.  I know a dream when I hear one.  Yet the story stuck with me, and for months I would lie semi-awake in bed hoping the same would happen to me.  All I wanted was to leave my burdensome body behind.

This all came back to me today as I was thinking about what it has meant to be trans all these years before transitioning. My whole life experience has been about being disassociated from my body.  Now, as I build a body that feels like it belongs to me, I’m realizing that everything I have known so far has been an out of body experience.  My goal now is to come home to a body I can roam the world in comfortably. And then, I hope, I can rest easy.

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2 comments

  1. cedrictgen · April 15, 2016

    Reading that post made my head spin. As much as my body is making me suffer being dissociated from it scares me.
    How exactly did you realise you were dissociated from yours?

    Like

  2. asthesunrises · April 16, 2016

    That is a really good way of describing dysphoria! I had a friend who said she went through something similar to middle school… never compared it to dissociation, though.

    Like

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