Tomorrow is my two-month anniversary, which means comparison pics and video. Yay, I guess. But this month I’m really nervous about what I’ll see. The last few days when I’ve looked in the mirror, I’ve seen a lot more flab on my hips, thighs, and butt and less definition around my face.
I don’t remember feeling this nervous about it last month. I remember not anticipating visible changes, and being pleased that I saw some. This month I’m convinced that all the change I saw last month has been completely wiped out.
There are three alternative explanations for this:
1) The initial changes were imagined, the perceived regression is a product of that: In my excitement to start testosterone, I was imagining changes that weren’t there and so what I’m seeing now isn’t regression, it’s just a more realistic perspective.
2) The initial changes were real, and the regression is imagined: Maybe I did change, and maybe I’m still changing, but as a result of insecurity and dysphoria it’s harder for me to see those changes.
3) The initial changes were real, and the regression is also real: This is what I fear. That my levels are somehow messed up, and when I look at my comparison pictures tomorrow, I will look less transformed than at the one-month mark.
Tomorrow is the moment of truth.