…And there’s nothing more personal than taking a piss in public. So, just my luck that the month I’m easing out of the closet about being transgender, we have decided to start a national dialogue about trans people. And when I say dialogue, I mean series of misinformed rants, hateful statements, boldfaced lies, and unsuccessful attempts to counterbalance with facts.
For people like me, all this debate has a very real, very practical effect. I’m literally scared shitless. Since this debate has started on the national stage, I’ve been nervous to be called out for using any public restroom. I still mostly get called ma’am, but not always, and I have a fear that whether I’m in the ladies’ or the gents’, some riled up asshole with a point to prove is going to shame me or hurt me for being where they think I don’t belong.
My name change documents are filed. In case you were wondering…I went with Austin. In 2-6 weeks, I should have my new name in the mail. With a new name I can update my driver’s license (name and gender marker), passport (name and gender marker), social security card, credit cards, etc., etc., etc. I’m gonna be honest that I’m not looking forward to the paperwork. (I’m still not done from the first time around.)
So Kai/aka Mr. Glowstick nominated me for the Liebster Award. I jumped on the Google machine to figure out what the heck the Liebster Award is and how it started. Strangely enough, I can’t find any official origin story. It seems like the song that never ends–someone started nominating, not knowing what it was, and we’ll continue nominating forever, just because…
That aside, this is essentially a way for amateur bloggers to give shout outs to other amateur bloggers, which is pretty cool.
I had a girlfriend in high school who claimed she had had an out of body experience. She claimed that one night, her soul left her body and floated around her house, and visited different rooms while her body remained resting in her bed.
I’m not stupid and I’m not superstitious. I know a dream when I hear one. Yet the story stuck with me, and for months I would lie semi-awake in bed hoping the same would happen to me. All I wanted was to leave my burdensome body behind.
This all came back to me today as I was thinking about what it has meant to be trans all these years before transitioning. My whole life experience has been about being disassociated from my body. Now, as I build a body that feels like it belongs to me, I’m realizing that everything I have known so far has been an out of body experience. My goal now is to come home to a body I can roam the world in comfortably. And then, I hope, I can rest easy.
Ok, here goes…2 months on T. I haven’t noticed much by way of change this month. My voice feels lower. My shoes are too tight (and I confirmed my feet had grown from a 35 to a 37 this weekend at the bike shop–still way too small for men’s shoes). Other than that, not much. But none of the losses that I was so nervous about, either.
Tomorrow is my two-month anniversary, which means comparison pics and video. Yay, I guess. But this month I’m really nervous about what I’ll see. The last few days when I’ve looked in the mirror, I’ve seen a lot more flab on my hips, thighs, and butt and less definition around my face.
I don’t remember feeling this nervous about it last month. I remember not anticipating visible changes, and being pleased that I saw some. This month I’m convinced that all the change I saw last month has been completely wiped out.
Three people in my immediate workplace know I’m transitioning: my HR rep, my immediate supervisor, and one trusted colleague. So far I have only come out via one-on-one conversations. At work, I fear having too many individual conversations will simply get the rumor mill turning, which is not how I want people finding out. I don’t think transition is gossip-worthy, but I imagine many other people do. I want to manage the flow of information and maintain control of my own coming out.